Whenever we break up with someone, whether we initiated the breakup or not, we struggle with the 30-day no contact rule. Why? Because we don’t want to adhere to this rule. It doesn’t matter if you are the dumper or the dumpee, you still need to process the breakup and it does affect you.
So, what is the 30-day no contact rule, and why is it important? This article will touch base on what it is, how to cut off all communication with an ex, and why it is recommended.
What Do You Mean 30 Day No Contact Rule?
Exactly what it says, no contact, cut off all communication for an amount of time determined by certain factors. However, it’s less of a rule and more of a technique or strategy to either move on with your life or reconcile. However, that is not the sole purpose and some women will try to make it all about getting the ex back.
Keep in mind, there are always exceptions to the rule. The exceptions to the rule have separate guidelines that need to be followed as well.
Exceptions To The No Contact Rule
As I said, there are always exceptions to the rule. Here are the circumstances where the 30-day no contact rule would need to be amended:
- You live together-if possible one of you has to move out during the no contact period. If it is not an option, maybe you can go to a friend’s or relative’s place for a short time. If you are forced to live together during the period of no contact. then keep conversations short, but don’t ignore them. If they ask you how’s your day? Or how was work- keep your answers brief- such as ok, good.
- You have a child together- All communication needs to be about the kid and no straying away from the topic. If you want to know what time he is going to pick your child up or if your child needs anything- that’s fine. If your child is at least 7 or 8 yrs old, the contact should be minimal.
- You work or go to school together
- You moved out and you need to gather your belongings or vice versa
- You run into them unintentionally.
For the last 3 exceptions- keep everything to a minimum. Say “Hi” and keep it moving. Don’t try to carry on a full-blown conversation because it will only defeat the purpose of the no-contact rule.
Break The No Contact Rule
Are there repercussions when you break the no contact rule? By definition of repercussions, yes if you break the no contact rule, any progress that you have made up until the breaking contact point is negated. Why? Because you are pouring salt on your wound- literally. Think of it in terms of cutting yourself, pulling the band-aid before the cut heals, and pouring salt on it. That is how you will feel if you break the no contact rule.
How Do You Know The Amount Of Time You Should Cut Off Communication?
Determining the amount of time needed to cease communication after a separation or break up depends on certain factors. This includes:
- How the relationship ended
- How long the relationship was
- What caused the breakup
However, in all of the above situations, you need to take at least a 30-day break. If the break up ended horribly or if the other party cheated then you should consider the period of no contact to last more than 30 days. Personally, I would consider more than a 30 day no contact rule.
What Happens After The 30-Day No Contact Rule?
After the no contact period has ended, you are faced with another decision. What do you do after the 30-day no contact rule? Here are your options:
- Make the no contact rule permanent or long term
- Try to work things out
- Or move on with your life, yet remain cordial or friends.
- Give your ex more space
How do you determine what you should do once the no contact has expired? There are many ways to answer, but the best way is to ask yourself a series of questions. This includes:
- Has it been at least 4 weeks?
- During the time frame, did you spend the time working on yourself?
- Have you tried to date someone else?
- Is your ex dating someone else?
- Have you determined the true reason for the breakup and do you know the route you would take to fix it if you reconcile?
- Have you gone through the grieving process of the breakup, or are you still feeling the same way that you did when the break up occurred?
- Has your ex reached out to you
If it has been at least 4 weeks since the no contact was initiated, and neither of you is dating someone else, and you want to get back together, you should take it slow, and make sure you have fully grieved the separation. If you still need time to work on yourself, then you can always extend the no-contact to as many days of no contact that you want. Whether it’s 60 days or no contact for another 30 days.
If 30 days have passed and your ex has not reached out to you, then you should give him or her their space. Every break up is different and no written rule says that it’s a 30-day cap. Some people can go for 3 months with no-contact.
How To Cut Off All Communication With The Ex?
When explaining the no contact rule, I will sound like a broken record, but to truly test the waters of the 30-day rule you need to take the following steps:
- Get out of your ex’s radar- block social media
- Take a break from social media for the first part of the no contact time
- Hide or unfollow your ex
- Don’t accidentally text, call or email your ex- this includes blank text messages to see if they will respond.
It means no phone calls, text messages, social media stalking, no liking your ex’s post on social media, no emails, no accidentally bumping into your ex, and most importantly, no reciprocating any contact attempts made by your ex.
Depending on who you ask, you may get different viewpoints on the concept of radio silence. When you are implementing the no contact clause of the break up you are in an essence ignoring your ex. With radio silence, you are taking it one step further, and making it seem like you fell off the face of the earth. In the eyes of your ex, you have completely disappeared. How is this done?
You need to make it impossible for him or her to know what you are up to. This means no posting on social media at all! No pictures of you and your friends going out, no liking anyone’s post, and no third party communication, such as asking his friends how he’s doing.
Psychology Surrounding The No Contact Rule
The psychological effect of the no contact rule is to work on yourself and decide to either move on or get back together. It is by no means a time for playing games. So if you are serious about wanting to get back with your ex, or you think you are serious, then you need to completely devote this period of no-contact to clearing your mind and putting things back in perspective.
You need to regain independence and mental clarity and then revisit the topic of whether you want to reconcile.
Does The 30 Day No Contact Rule Work?
The no contact rule works depending on your purpose of putting it in place and adhering to the rules. If you forget the purpose of the no contact break and break the silence, you are setting yourself up for failure. Don’t base the success or failure of the no contact approach on you and your ex reconciling or your ex reaching out to you.
The purpose is to grieve, reinvent yourself, and take back your independence. Therefore if you manage to accomplish those things during the no contact period, then the answer to your question is yes it does work.
What is Going Through His Mind?
This is a question that women always wonder when going through the no contact period. I have been guilty of wondering what was going on through my ex’s mind. I wanted to know, if he missed me, does he still love me, is he thinking of me, or did he meet someone else?
Here’s what men that are still in love with their ex think about during this radio silence:
- Did I make the right decision?
- Does she still love me or does she miss me?
- Should I text her first? Or is she going out with someone else?
- I wonder what she is doing right now.
The bottom line is that no matter how much you love someone or how much you miss someone if you want things to get better you need to give them their space. The longer you put off the grieving process of a relationship, the harder it will be for you to sort out your feelings. Spend time healing.
As the saying goes, “Time heals all wounds!”
Do you need help with your ex? Contact us for one-on-one coaching