Until recently I was a pretty big complainer. Things were never right. Someone always had more or better than I did. Plans didn’t work out the way I had envisioned them, nothing ever really went the way I wanted it to from career stuff to plans to see a movie. I was a harsh critic of life and of myself. I was never getting what I wanted, Not only that but I found it was the fault of others and not myself that these things weren’t coming true for me. I was pretty pitiful for a guy who has had more than his share of breaks. Yes despite all life had given me I wasn’t happy and I made sure no one around me was either.
Then one day I woke up and I had lost everything. Everything. Family, money, work, friends, fans, you name it, I lost it. Ok not my dogs. They are dogs, they will always hang with you, but that was about it. I was alone in the world with really very few options. I was struggling with some pretty big depression issues for sure, I was recovering from alcoholism and drugs, and I was battling back from my second bout of cancer, I was at my wits end. The only thing I had left was me. Literally me. Me didn’t seem like much at the time but it was what I had. So I decided to try and love me, to lower my expectations of me and just love me complaints and all. I decided to give myself a break and start loving myself. I wasn’t easy to do. I needed to create some self care rituals around myself. I started meditating, hiking, showering upon awakening, making my bed, writing, reading, just a collection of little things done everyday that made me feel not only better about myself but worthy. I began to take a different type of pride in myself. My bathing and shaving rituals became more elaborate as I began to take better care of me. I started dressing better, eating better, sleeping better. The outside world became less and less in charge of my feelings because I was dealing with myself for the first time. I was taking responsibility for how I was in the world and not expecting anything. I was letting life unfold the big things, while I took care of the little things. I haven’t repaired all the damage of my past, that will take time. People are warming up to me again and I’m willing to let people come along at their own pace. I’m lucky today because the one thing I do have is me and I’m so grateful for it. I’m grateful for what I do have.
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