I know it sounds crazy. I’m certainly not the first person to recommend this and I won’t be the last, but try wanting nothing from your relationship. “Wait, what?” says you. I know, but hear me out. Some people refer to this as detaching with love but that’s not what I mean either. What I mean is when I go into my relationship not needing anything and where my only concern is “How can I be of service?” I find my life gets a whole lot easier. And I’m constantly surprised by what I’m getting back from my partner. Mostly because I haven’t required anything of her and It’s on her time and in her way. Now I know that seems like the wrong approach. We are constantly being told to stand up for ourselves and ask for what we want. And while I think there is some value in that I also think you run the risk of trying to program your partner to your expectations thus running the risk of causing resentment and a cheated expectation. My partner knows I want to be loved and admired and doted on but I don’t tell her when or how, I let it come upon her I let her decide how that is going to go. Just like I decide when I’m going to love on her. Well, what if you are having a bad day and feel like you need extra attention? Well say that then, but at the end of the day, the one who will ultimately be able to resolve your issue is you. I’m not saying don’t communicate I’m saying don’t require. Some folks will say “I need a lot of loving.” and I say you shouldn’t, not from others anyway because people have their own lives and will give you what they can when they can but if you require it you are going to be sad a lot of the time. I say all this having been the neediest of needy. I have so many specifications for my wife and when they weren’t met I was a dick and it just pushed us further apart. Plus half the time I was getting the love I needed it was just coming in a different package I wasn’t seeing. I was so focused on my way of receiving love that faced with not being loved at all. So I tried something new. I just tried to be as giving as possible without getting anything back from anyone else. I tried this with my whole family. It took a moment for everyone to adjust to the new me but in time people were more forthcoming with their love than they had been in a while. I then tried to apply this logic to everything else, my friendships, my career, and I have to say I’ve enjoyed the results. Mostly because I’m not disappointed all the time I live with as few expectations as I can allow myself while still having goals. I’m only in control of my half of anything and so the only one I can depend on to love me when I really need it is me. Want for nothing and soon you will have so much more.
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